Explanations

My words aren't always the best. I try to use them as clearly as possible, but sometimes they don't come close to my true meaning. There are a few things from my last post, upon review that I don't feel we're made very clear.

For the past few months and maybe even longer I have come to realize the struggle that I have with my family. My parents, though they ment well, govern by guilt. They taught my sisters and I that it was good to give, but that if we didn't than we should feel guilty. If we didn't do what we were supposed to we were not yelled at we were simply made to feel guilty. This crippled any adult relationship I have ever had. I do very little for myself and smother the other person as a result.  I developed a need to please everyone around me at the expense of my own happiness, because I was sure it was what made me truly happy. I slowly began to smother myself.

One of my very best friends brought this to my attention many times. It took me forever to see what she was saying. (I have this pathetic need to see the emotion before I can understand it. I have to see what the situation is and capture it in my minds eye to know what it looks like. It may be a mentor disorder, but it's how I function and I wish I could change it). Maybe if I had this friend of mine wouldn't hate me much.

I also know that there is more to her anger towards me. You see, in my need to please everyone I wanted to make her happy. In my search I discovered that she had fallen for a very good friend of ours. He is awesome. I tried to play match maker with a vengeance because I know I could fix their lonlieness and make them happy by putting them together. In this effort I nearly destroyed their friendship.  I just wanted to make them happy, to please them. I ruined everything.

Luckily they are still very close friends. However, I no longer get to recive the trust I once had. I am just so well versed in what makes people happy that I take over. (Please note the sarcastic tone in that last sentence). I am learning to back off and worry about myself. I've just learned this too late. I may never get the chance to prove this.

That's where my last post was coming from. I just wanted to make sure that was understood. Thanks any way.

Thoughts

I have a very powerful imagination. Sometimes this power is used for good and others times...not so much. I like too look at things and give them a story or a history. If nothing, they at least have a name. Names seem to make things more real. I like real things.

The down side to this is also the fact that I am extremely emotional. Sometimes those emotions get tangled up in the stories that I creat for myself and they bleed into the reality of my life. People sometimes suffer for this. I know my friends have.

This is probably the worst way to apologize, but it's what I have. You see, I have apologized so many times I'm fairly certain my words have very little weight. But, I am sorry. I am so sorry that I dragged my friends into real emotions that I created into monsters. I was feeling them, this is no lie, I felt them it's true, but I threw them at my friends in hopes that they could make them better for me. There is one friend in particular I did this to. They know who they are.

I am so sorry I dragged you down to my silly bowl of emotions. It's how I organize things. And as a good friend you tried to experience them with me, to help me understand them better. I promptly drowned you in them. I crushed you so completely that you could recive little to no breath at all. I took the wonderful understanding friendship that have and I beat it to a pulp in the hopes of trying to find a better me. That was terrible of me. I am so sorry I took your choices away. This was never my intention as I'm sure you well know, but it's what I did. I am a needy person. But, I'm getting help, and coming to a better and more independent place.

I know my words are pointless, but I would love to prove it if you would give me the chance. I can be better, and I feel as if I'm almost there.

Eraser Wars

I though I would give a super funny story.

This happened this very Friday, yesterday, and it was just so funny! I was at work and It being both 2 weeks from the end of the school year and being a Friday we were all a little on edge. We, being the students, my co-workers and I. So, with that brief disclaimer I will tell the story.

This year I was assigned to work in a High School. At the beginning of the year I didn't fancy this too much. I was not going to have any more recess and no more book fairs. Well, there are two weeks left in this school year and, I think I've done okay without them.  I really think they were an even trade for my current co-workers. They are the best. With it being so close to the end of the school year combined with the promising of weekend freedom in the air, this Friday was a little strained.

At the end of each semester the peer tutors in the class are required to complete a project. They can either write a 3 paged paper on an experience they had with someone they met with a disability or donate from a list of items and only write a paragraph on how that item will help the class as a whole. The this list only has simple items like basic school supplies, candy, hand sanitizer, quick wipes, and the like. Every semester there is a concentration of certain items. I guess this is because certain items are on sale or what not. The concentration for this semester was pencil erasers.

 The student projects were due this Friday for all classes. The teachers desk was piled high with a an assortment of items that had been donated. There was a small amount of candy, pencils, and hand sanitizer that littered the desk. However, pencil erasers covered what these items did not. At least 10 packages with 15 erasers each had been collected. The teacher I work with wasn't sure at all where she was going to put them all, but she was delighted to know that there was no way she could run out of erasers next year.

She opened 2 packages and started putting them in her desk drawer. I had been sitting as her desk at the time and was teasing her by closing the desk drawer every time she opened it. She got frustrated and sat on me so that she could complete her task. It was really funny and we all had a good laugh.

The teacher went to go put something else away and I had a brilliant plan. I grabbed the erasers she had place in her desk and spread them all over her desk. One of the Paras in the classroom caught me doing this and had to hold her breathe so as not to giggle and give me away. The teacher, upon finishing her task, turned to  come back to her desk. She saw what I had done and a wicked grin crossed her face. I wasn't sure what she had planned, but I figured out quick as an eraser barely missed hitting me square in the head. The war had begun.

Erasers were in constant flight as the Teacher and I flung them across the room at each other. We are all, the Para, the Teacher, and I, laughing so hard tears are streaming down our faces. And, of course who should walk into the class room not 30 seconds later?

The Principal!

The Teacher and I don't see him at first, but the Para did. However, she was still laughing too hard to let us know he was there. She is able to calm down enough to try to tell him whats going on. But, how do you explain this? She manages to choke out that we were all having a moment. The Principle nodes and says that he had something he wanted to talk to them about, but it could wait until they had the time. It was at this point that the Teacher and I see him. He simply nodded and told her to come by his office when she can and he turned and leave. We all looked at each other, there is a split second of silence, and we are laughed again. About 2 minutes later were calm enough to clean up the erasers and move on with our day.

Mean while the students who were supposed to me reading are either laughing at us or really unsure of what had happened. The Teacher and I spent the rest of the day with a few erasers in our pockets, and continued to chuck them at each other one at a time in passing for the rest of the day. It was so painfully awesome. My abs are still sore form the experience.

I hope that I can work with these people next year, but I doubt it. My boss never has me at the same school two years on a row. I truly hope and pray that I can just this once. However its the nature of my job to move around every year, so it is what it is.

I hope you enjoyed that.  don't think I portrayed it as awesome as it was, but I thought I would share.

Facts

I'm not even sure how to start this. The only thing that comes to mind is my need to apologize. I have been selfish lately. My sights have been so limited, and I'm not even sure how it got that way. I am sorry. The last sane and untainted feeling I can recall dates back to about two weeks ago.

I felt left behind.

I prayed to God that I could learn what I needed to do to move on. He gave me Roger, and then he gave me Ross, and then he took my Sam Wise home. Instead of seeing these things for what they were I chose to plunge into toxic pool, and throw myself a pity party. Why?

I felt left behind.

Fact, I am causing myself to be left behind.

My friends love me. But as they find their own ways out into the world they are learning and growing in ways that I can't understand because I can't get of my own tush and learn them for myself. This is the only way I will learn them. I have to, for once in my life, stand on my own, and tell the world that I am my own person. I am not my friends. They are a very important part of me, they are a part of my build and support structure, and they will always have a place in my life, but if I don't create a life for myself I have nowhere to put any of this.

The way I see it in my mind is this. I have the most beautiful flowers. The pride I feel in them is unmatched by anything I have ever done, but right now I have no dirt. I have no place to plant these beautiful flowers and if I don't soon. They will die. They will choke on the toxic environment I have them in. Plants need soil, and if I don't give them that they wont survive no matter however many nice things I do for them.

Fact, Roger was a push.

Roger became a part of my life on a whim and left just as fast. But, his lesson was not intended for hurt. It was for discovery. God wanted me to know that I can have that other half. He wanted me to know that not every one will reject me, that I can be viewed as a priceless gem, and that some day I can have that love that my heart so desires. Just not today.

Maybe it wont even happen for a while, but God wanted me to remember that it can. I just needed to see that in myself. But it wasn't until a little bit ago that I realized I had tainted this. I had turned Roger into a cruel and unfathomable fate. I silenced everything that had turned this experience positive, because again I was alone.  But, What I had failed to see was that one word. "Again" I was alone "again." Meaning that at some point, no matter how brief, I wasn't. I can have that again.

Fact, Ross is a reminder.

Ross is an interesting guy I met on a dating website. I signed up for it a week ago, and I met him only one day after. We messaged so often it got to the point where I asked him if I could either have or his number or give him mine if he had text. He agreed that logging in was annoying, no matter how worth it it was. This happened Saturday afternoon/evening. We met up for ice cream not 2 hours later.

We talked until after midnight with Cold Stone closing around us. It was fun. However I feel bad that he ended up doing all the talking. Although I can't take all the blame for that. He seemed very nervous. It also seemed like he felt he had to impress me.

We may never be more than friends, but I'm glad I have him. He is nice, caring, sincere, geeky, and very honest. He deserves every happiness in the world. He will always be that reminder that I not everything will happen at once. Time is a factor in all things. Something may grow between us. God only knows.

Fact, my Sam Wise's passing was not a punishment.

Sam passed away early Sunday morning. I found her very shortly after coming home from my outing with Ross. My parents and my littlest sister helped me bury her around 2am. It was a very hard thing to do. Sam Wise is/was my pup. I knew her better than anyone I know and she knew me. I miss her so much, everything is so quiet without her. She had such a sense of humor, and her smile was just beautiful. I know people say that dogs don't smile, but they are all of them wrong. My puppy could. She was loyal and caring and I loved her with all of my heart.

A though crossed my mind while burying her that this whole thing was my fault. I knew she didn't look very good. I should have stayed home and been with her. I just really wanted to meet this boy, and so I did. I started hating myself for this. I abandoned her. I wasn't there when she left his world.

I told this to a close friend of mine who who helped me see this differently. She said that living across the street from me since I had gotten Sam she could tell that she was my pup. Sam was always with me, She always knew when I was going to be home and was depressed when I was gone. She also told me something that I will never forget.

She said that dogs form links with their masters, and in every sense it is a protective link. Wither it be a protective link of trust (knowing that they are safe), or protecting (taking care of their owner). She said that Sam was so sick she could have left weeks ago, but she didn't because she had to make sure that I was going to be okay. My going out with Ross let her know that I was going to be okay, that I had finally learned to take chances and that it was okay for her to leave.

I struggle with this explanation sometimes, I sometimes try to refute this in my mind, but there is one fact that always comes before me. When I found her, it was clear that she was gone. There was no mistaking that she wasn't with us anymore, but she look so peaceful. It was like she had just laid down and gone to sleep. It looked like everything in her world had come to peace, and she was ready to move forward. It's time I did too.

Fact, I am going to move forward.

Th only sad thing about this phrase is that I have said it so many times, it really doesn't count. Just as my awesome psychology friend. She could fill a hundred pages with the amount of times I've said these words. However, I've got her on this one thing. I didn't have these facts. I should have. I've been given plenty of opportunities to get these lessons in hand. I'm just to stubborn or even stupid to learn them.

I'm going to now though. I just hope I can convince the world of that. I also hope I haven't screwed up too many times to get that chance.

?

I'm not doing okay. I need help. I hurt. My life is just pathetic. I don't know what to do.

Tunnels

It has been some time since I have written and I believe that it is about time that I began again. I have begun a private journal of my own, but feel that if I post, I will be more accountable for what it is that I feel. I know the beginning of this blog states that it is just for stories that I find funny and want to share, and I assure you that spark won't be put out. However, these stories are going to become more personal.

 In my most recent post I told a very important story. One that has changed me for the better. I wrote that I felt stronger from my encounter with him.That I knew for the first time that someone could feel a true passion for me and that it was liberating. It was, however It affected me more than I ever thought it would.

I had a marvoulousely relaxing Birthday thrown for my by my very best friends in the whole world that Saturday. They had thought of everything from breakfast, where I was fed super yummy Star Wars themed pancakes and bacon, with side of Han Solo, to the end of the day where I was fed Sushi. This was followed by a wonderful game called Dicecapades, while listening to Imagine Dragons, eating a Doctor Who cheese cake, and thumbing through a wonderful book of Limericks. They had even decorated my car. It was divine! 

 I had successfully convincing myself that I felt okay with him moving to Chicago and starting  completely over. That I understood the gist of why he had to leave, and that it was okay because it was the perfect 2 weeks followed by the perfect Birthday.

As true as these thoughts and feelings were, and as much as I understood it all, my heart was still broken.  And it appears that broken hearts have a requirement to be felt.

I hurt. From the very center of my brain to the tip of my toes. I am angry about absolutely everything. I want to cry at the drop of a hat. I feel a profound loneliness that I have never felt before.  I am not okay that he had to leave. I am not okay that he had to leave me, that he kissed me in the fiction section of the library and just left. I am angry that I have nothing I can hold onto and read over and over. But most of all, I am angry that it wasn't normal.

There is nothing about this story that is normal. I have retraced the entire happening a thousand times, but every time I do it just seems more and more outlandish. This beautiful thing happened to me, and as grateful as I am to God that it did happen, I ache because it happened. And I don't' want that. I want it to stay beautiful, but I can't have that if every time I think of him I get angry.

I have no idea what to do. I am so lost, angry, and depressed. There is this darkness I carry around with me that I know can't be normal. But, then I think to myself  'What about this is normal?' and trudge on through my day with my best 'everything is fine' mask I have because I don't want to admit that I may just need some help.

There has got to be a light at the end of this tunnel, right? There has got to be. Otherwise it was just a cruel joke, and I'm sure that's not how things work. They can't, and if I am absolutely honest with myself, it is this one sliver of hope that keeps me going. Knowing that at some point this dark dark tunnel will end and I will once again feel the sun. I just want to feel warm again. Please?

My Birthday Gift From God

 I have to Write this down before I forget it.

I met someone, and this is my Fairy Tale.

I first saw him at work. I work for the school district as a Sign Aide. So, I go all over. This year I am assigned to a High School. My student is low language and LOVES food. So, his father signed him up for a foods class. This is where I met him.

 He was volunteering in the foods room, for school I think. From what I understand he needed hours towards a project of some kind to get his certification. Anyway, this is the class that we met in. We had chatted on and off. And I really began to like him, and it seemed that he could possibly like me too. However, he never made a move, and neither did I. It wasn’t until about a week ago that I finally got the courage to give him my number.

 I never really expected anything to come of it. I mean, if he called or texted great! But, if he didn’t I was down with that too. I just needed to know that I could do it. This is where I discovered that even the brightest light can cast a shadow.

 I had meant to give him my number on that Monday during class but he wasn’t there. So, I resolved to get it to him the next day during lunch in hopes that he would be there. I had no idea when he volunteered only that he was always there during my class. To my great surprise he was.

        

As I handed him my number and told him that I wouldn’t mind getting to know him better outside of school hours and he didn’t have to do anything if he didn’t want to that I saw a pain that I had never known existed.

     

  He took my number, thanked me, grabbed his things and left. I figured I had crossed some line and promised myself that I would think nothing more of it. About half way down the hallway I heard my name called. I turned around to find him running down the hall after me. He was all ease and friendliness. It was as if the pain I had seen not 1 minute before had never existed. He told me that he had wanted to asked me my number for a while, but just hadn't been able to. I was flattered! We chatted about this and that and somehow came to the subject of archery. He asked me to join him that afternoon after school. 

  

I have never had so much fun shooting in my life! We talked and teased. He even showed me how to shoot better. It was fantastic. We shot for about an hour and a half maybe 2 when he suddenly needed to go. He never said why, and I never asked. But, he did look urgent.

       He walked me to my car. I was about to get into it after saying goodbye for the 20^th time when he stopped me.

“I have something I need to tell you before we go any further.”

   He said this in so serious a ton I was a little scared. He then went on to tell me that if he were to text me I was to swear I would delete them after every conversation. He was leaving soon for a job as a sue chef in Chicago and didn’t want anyone hurt. I tried to ask him what he meant, but he only kept insisting that I swear to do as he asked. He looked on the verge of panic so I finally agreed. He said nothing after only nodded, got into his car and left.

       He wasn’t at school for the rest of the week, but we texted on and off. Friday was the last text I received from him. I figured he had dropped me, but then Monday he asked me on a text date for the next day. I was a little weirded out, but I accepted. I mean it did sound fun, but what the heck were we going to do. 

     

 Our text date was during my lunch hour. And as geeky as this sounds, it was perfect. We texted the whole hour, zipping texts to each other right and left. It is in this conversation that he went a little father into depth about what he had said to me on Tuesday when we had finished shooting.

        

 Apparently there had been some traumatic happening that he had been seeing a psychologist for. It was recommended to him by his psychologist that maybe this new job offer would be a chance for him to start over fresh. But, if he was to do this he would need to cut ties with everything and everyone here in Utah and just press forward. He was not to look back on anything bad or anything good, to just start completely over and rediscover himself.

  He said that he had wanted to make a move for a very long time. But, knowing that after his graduation that he would be leaving he didn’t want to make ties he didn’t want to cut. That is why he had told me to delete everything he ever sent me in text form. He only wanted me to have the memories so that I could move on easier. Because no matter how good we could become he was leaving. He was leaving everything. It had to happen.

      

 He figured my giving him my number myself not 2 weeks before he was to cut ties with Utah was God's way of testing his decision to go because I had certainly made things harder. I told him that I understood, but how sad I was going to be to lose him. He replied with an apology about having to leave on my Birthday, And I forgave him. 

 We then chatted about my birthday and what he thought my friends might have planed, and how lame it was that I had to get up at 6 for the basket, and then lunch ended. I have never been more annoyed to have to go back to work than I was at that moment. I could have talked to him forever. 

I didn't really get to see him much after that. He did bring me lunch on Wednesday, but he couldn't stay long. I did, however, get a text on Thursday moring asking if I wanted to go shooting again on Friday after school. Of course I said yes! 

Today was Friday. And this is where my story ends. As I was walking to my car I recived another text asking me if it was okay if I met him at the Lirbray instead. I thought this strange, but agreed to meet him there. He was waiting in the front lobby when I got there. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the fiction section. "I have a game." he said and then he began to explain the following rules. 

We were to grab a book at random and and read the first spoken phrase we found. The second person had 5 seconds to find a book and 3 seconds to find a replying phrase. I'm not sure what happened if you didn't  succeed in the time limits, but I don't think that was the point. 

We made our way all over the fiction section hastely whispering random phrases to each other. It was a stupid game, but he made it so much fun. Anything with him could have been fun. It was when we came to the last section that things began to slow down. I had just read arandom phrase about someone taking my dog, when he read from a Star Wars book about Leah not being there to stop them, the world just stopped. And he kissed me. 

It wasn't a hard kiss, but it was passionate. When we pulled apart he told me he had to go. I told him that I undstood, but didn't want him to go. He replied saying that this was happening and that he thanked God that it did. I agreed. He asked me if I wanted to go with him, and I told him he knew I couldn't. (But in that instance I wanted to). 

He smiled at me and told me he needed to ask me one last favor. I told him I would. He aske me to close my eyes. I did. Seconds later I could hear him turning and walking away. I opened my eyes, and watched him leave. I wanted more than anything to stop him and say that whatever had happened, that we could get through it togeather, that he didn't have to leave, but I knew better, and I knew that in equal proportions to as much as I wanted him to stay with me, he needed to leave. So, I let him. I waited a full 10 minutes before I too left the library in hopes that I had given him enough time leave. I didn't see him on my way out, and I will probably never see him again.

I know that despite the pain I feel with his absents, there is a streangth he left with me too. What we had was a God send. As one of my besties pointed out to me, maybe God wanted him to know that there was something good about Utah despite all the bad he had been through, and that it was to build me up. I would have to agree. There was a light in his eyes that hadn't been there before. He was happy. And, I feel stronger than I ever have in my entire life. I know that I am campable of being loved. I know that it is possible for somone to feel a romatic passion for me, and this breaks every fear of rejection I have ever had. I am as strong as I allow myself to be, and with the love he gave me, and made me feel I can do anything.

My only regret is that I have noting physical to hold onto. I have no tangible proof of his existence, only a memory. And this memory is worth more than all the jewels in the world to me.

I can honestly say now, that for my birthday God gave me a fairy tale. It's just too bad it didn't end like one. Well, not in the way they normally do any way.