Explanations

My words aren't always the best. I try to use them as clearly as possible, but sometimes they don't come close to my true meaning. There are a few things from my last post, upon review that I don't feel we're made very clear.

For the past few months and maybe even longer I have come to realize the struggle that I have with my family. My parents, though they ment well, govern by guilt. They taught my sisters and I that it was good to give, but that if we didn't than we should feel guilty. If we didn't do what we were supposed to we were not yelled at we were simply made to feel guilty. This crippled any adult relationship I have ever had. I do very little for myself and smother the other person as a result.  I developed a need to please everyone around me at the expense of my own happiness, because I was sure it was what made me truly happy. I slowly began to smother myself.

One of my very best friends brought this to my attention many times. It took me forever to see what she was saying. (I have this pathetic need to see the emotion before I can understand it. I have to see what the situation is and capture it in my minds eye to know what it looks like. It may be a mentor disorder, but it's how I function and I wish I could change it). Maybe if I had this friend of mine wouldn't hate me much.

I also know that there is more to her anger towards me. You see, in my need to please everyone I wanted to make her happy. In my search I discovered that she had fallen for a very good friend of ours. He is awesome. I tried to play match maker with a vengeance because I know I could fix their lonlieness and make them happy by putting them together. In this effort I nearly destroyed their friendship.  I just wanted to make them happy, to please them. I ruined everything.

Luckily they are still very close friends. However, I no longer get to recive the trust I once had. I am just so well versed in what makes people happy that I take over. (Please note the sarcastic tone in that last sentence). I am learning to back off and worry about myself. I've just learned this too late. I may never get the chance to prove this.

That's where my last post was coming from. I just wanted to make sure that was understood. Thanks any way.