Tunnels

It has been some time since I have written and I believe that it is about time that I began again. I have begun a private journal of my own, but feel that if I post, I will be more accountable for what it is that I feel. I know the beginning of this blog states that it is just for stories that I find funny and want to share, and I assure you that spark won't be put out. However, these stories are going to become more personal.

 In my most recent post I told a very important story. One that has changed me for the better. I wrote that I felt stronger from my encounter with him.That I knew for the first time that someone could feel a true passion for me and that it was liberating. It was, however It affected me more than I ever thought it would.

I had a marvoulousely relaxing Birthday thrown for my by my very best friends in the whole world that Saturday. They had thought of everything from breakfast, where I was fed super yummy Star Wars themed pancakes and bacon, with side of Han Solo, to the end of the day where I was fed Sushi. This was followed by a wonderful game called Dicecapades, while listening to Imagine Dragons, eating a Doctor Who cheese cake, and thumbing through a wonderful book of Limericks. They had even decorated my car. It was divine! 

 I had successfully convincing myself that I felt okay with him moving to Chicago and starting  completely over. That I understood the gist of why he had to leave, and that it was okay because it was the perfect 2 weeks followed by the perfect Birthday.

As true as these thoughts and feelings were, and as much as I understood it all, my heart was still broken.  And it appears that broken hearts have a requirement to be felt.

I hurt. From the very center of my brain to the tip of my toes. I am angry about absolutely everything. I want to cry at the drop of a hat. I feel a profound loneliness that I have never felt before.  I am not okay that he had to leave. I am not okay that he had to leave me, that he kissed me in the fiction section of the library and just left. I am angry that I have nothing I can hold onto and read over and over. But most of all, I am angry that it wasn't normal.

There is nothing about this story that is normal. I have retraced the entire happening a thousand times, but every time I do it just seems more and more outlandish. This beautiful thing happened to me, and as grateful as I am to God that it did happen, I ache because it happened. And I don't' want that. I want it to stay beautiful, but I can't have that if every time I think of him I get angry.

I have no idea what to do. I am so lost, angry, and depressed. There is this darkness I carry around with me that I know can't be normal. But, then I think to myself  'What about this is normal?' and trudge on through my day with my best 'everything is fine' mask I have because I don't want to admit that I may just need some help.

There has got to be a light at the end of this tunnel, right? There has got to be. Otherwise it was just a cruel joke, and I'm sure that's not how things work. They can't, and if I am absolutely honest with myself, it is this one sliver of hope that keeps me going. Knowing that at some point this dark dark tunnel will end and I will once again feel the sun. I just want to feel warm again. Please?