Facts

I'm not even sure how to start this. The only thing that comes to mind is my need to apologize. I have been selfish lately. My sights have been so limited, and I'm not even sure how it got that way. I am sorry. The last sane and untainted feeling I can recall dates back to about two weeks ago.

I felt left behind.

I prayed to God that I could learn what I needed to do to move on. He gave me Roger, and then he gave me Ross, and then he took my Sam Wise home. Instead of seeing these things for what they were I chose to plunge into toxic pool, and throw myself a pity party. Why?

I felt left behind.

Fact, I am causing myself to be left behind.

My friends love me. But as they find their own ways out into the world they are learning and growing in ways that I can't understand because I can't get of my own tush and learn them for myself. This is the only way I will learn them. I have to, for once in my life, stand on my own, and tell the world that I am my own person. I am not my friends. They are a very important part of me, they are a part of my build and support structure, and they will always have a place in my life, but if I don't create a life for myself I have nowhere to put any of this.

The way I see it in my mind is this. I have the most beautiful flowers. The pride I feel in them is unmatched by anything I have ever done, but right now I have no dirt. I have no place to plant these beautiful flowers and if I don't soon. They will die. They will choke on the toxic environment I have them in. Plants need soil, and if I don't give them that they wont survive no matter however many nice things I do for them.

Fact, Roger was a push.

Roger became a part of my life on a whim and left just as fast. But, his lesson was not intended for hurt. It was for discovery. God wanted me to know that I can have that other half. He wanted me to know that not every one will reject me, that I can be viewed as a priceless gem, and that some day I can have that love that my heart so desires. Just not today.

Maybe it wont even happen for a while, but God wanted me to remember that it can. I just needed to see that in myself. But it wasn't until a little bit ago that I realized I had tainted this. I had turned Roger into a cruel and unfathomable fate. I silenced everything that had turned this experience positive, because again I was alone.  But, What I had failed to see was that one word. "Again" I was alone "again." Meaning that at some point, no matter how brief, I wasn't. I can have that again.

Fact, Ross is a reminder.

Ross is an interesting guy I met on a dating website. I signed up for it a week ago, and I met him only one day after. We messaged so often it got to the point where I asked him if I could either have or his number or give him mine if he had text. He agreed that logging in was annoying, no matter how worth it it was. This happened Saturday afternoon/evening. We met up for ice cream not 2 hours later.

We talked until after midnight with Cold Stone closing around us. It was fun. However I feel bad that he ended up doing all the talking. Although I can't take all the blame for that. He seemed very nervous. It also seemed like he felt he had to impress me.

We may never be more than friends, but I'm glad I have him. He is nice, caring, sincere, geeky, and very honest. He deserves every happiness in the world. He will always be that reminder that I not everything will happen at once. Time is a factor in all things. Something may grow between us. God only knows.

Fact, my Sam Wise's passing was not a punishment.

Sam passed away early Sunday morning. I found her very shortly after coming home from my outing with Ross. My parents and my littlest sister helped me bury her around 2am. It was a very hard thing to do. Sam Wise is/was my pup. I knew her better than anyone I know and she knew me. I miss her so much, everything is so quiet without her. She had such a sense of humor, and her smile was just beautiful. I know people say that dogs don't smile, but they are all of them wrong. My puppy could. She was loyal and caring and I loved her with all of my heart.

A though crossed my mind while burying her that this whole thing was my fault. I knew she didn't look very good. I should have stayed home and been with her. I just really wanted to meet this boy, and so I did. I started hating myself for this. I abandoned her. I wasn't there when she left his world.

I told this to a close friend of mine who who helped me see this differently. She said that living across the street from me since I had gotten Sam she could tell that she was my pup. Sam was always with me, She always knew when I was going to be home and was depressed when I was gone. She also told me something that I will never forget.

She said that dogs form links with their masters, and in every sense it is a protective link. Wither it be a protective link of trust (knowing that they are safe), or protecting (taking care of their owner). She said that Sam was so sick she could have left weeks ago, but she didn't because she had to make sure that I was going to be okay. My going out with Ross let her know that I was going to be okay, that I had finally learned to take chances and that it was okay for her to leave.

I struggle with this explanation sometimes, I sometimes try to refute this in my mind, but there is one fact that always comes before me. When I found her, it was clear that she was gone. There was no mistaking that she wasn't with us anymore, but she look so peaceful. It was like she had just laid down and gone to sleep. It looked like everything in her world had come to peace, and she was ready to move forward. It's time I did too.

Fact, I am going to move forward.

Th only sad thing about this phrase is that I have said it so many times, it really doesn't count. Just as my awesome psychology friend. She could fill a hundred pages with the amount of times I've said these words. However, I've got her on this one thing. I didn't have these facts. I should have. I've been given plenty of opportunities to get these lessons in hand. I'm just to stubborn or even stupid to learn them.

I'm going to now though. I just hope I can convince the world of that. I also hope I haven't screwed up too many times to get that chance.